Wrecking Ball: New Year's Resolutions

‘Tis the season to validate yourself through self-affirming goals that will inevitably die a painful death and make you feel like the miserable failure you already were to begin with. We begin our story with you, fattened by the feasting of Christmas. You feel inspired suddenly one December 31st to visit the gym as part of your false sense of hope for the new year. January 2nd, you walk in and find the room resembling a tin of slimy sardines, packed densely with grotesque, sweaty bodies, striving, like you, to achieve their goal. A week later, you fail to return. No matter; your goals were pointless anyway, and if you were to return, you would find the room a barren wasteland, deserted of human life.

This is a true, painful example of the unfortunate phenomenon that annually ails the world: New Year’s Resolutions. These aspirations always just bring your morale down and succeeding is a rarity. Alas; don’t let them get you down! Everyone else is also a failure, and you know what they say: the more the merrier!

It is now nearing the end of January; gone are your short-lived days of being #OnThatGrind and professing to the world your fleeting athletic prowess. You now have moved on to what registers in your mind as a more preferable lifestyle: hitting up the drive-thru in your mom’s Altima, “The Office” and the occasional voyage to your refrigerator.

However, do not fret; we all trudge on through the swamp of life with no destination except our inevitable demise, with the initial prospect of our New Year’s Resolution shining beautifully but unattainably in the distance. Thus, I award these resolutions one anchor, solely for the hopeful feeling they bring to the start of the New Year. :)